Tale as old as Time And Relative Dimension In Space
by pyromoosepoop
Summary: The Doctor and Bill go to France in 1740 where the Doctor explains all the plot holes in Beauty and the Beast while interacting with the characters. The whole story is a joke.


"Doctor, where are we going," Bill asked.

"Thirteen point eight billion years in the past, of course," the Doctor replied. The TARDIS landing noise sounded. "We're here!"

Bill opened the TARDIS door to see absolutely and utterly nothing. There was no color, not even black, there was nothing. "What is this place?" Bill asked.

"The beginning of the universe." the Doctor said, then he smiled. "Now, for a story." The Doctor grabbed a book from the TARDIS console and stood in front of the doors, the abyss behind him. " Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. Oh, and Bill, cover your ears," the Doctor said.

"Okay..." Bill said and listened to the Doctor. Behind him, the nothingness was suddenly filled with bright light as matter and antimatter combine and destroy each other in less than a second with a giant boom.

"Wow, Doctor, you should see this," Bill said.

"I've seen it already, but I need to do this Bill! But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away, but she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within."

"It's so beautiful," Bill said, looking at the thousands of nebulas that were made. All the super hot, condensed dust floated around as the universe expanded.

"Are you even listening to me? And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast, and placed a powerful spell on the castle, and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his twenty-first year."

"Are you seriously reading Beauty and the Beast instead of watching this?" Bill asked.

"Yes. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a beast?"

~~ about 1 hour and 32 minutes later ~~

"Maurice laughs and Mrs. Potts hugs her child and laughs. Cut to a camera looking over the entire ballroom with all in the shot. It slowly zooms out with Belle and the prince dancing around the room, and fades into the final stained glass window, this one with Belle and the prince in the center, surrounded by the rest of the characters. The chorus sings 'Certain as the sun Rising in the east Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme Beauty and the beast! Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme Beauty and the beast'! Fade out into credits. The end." the Doctor finished. Outside was slightly less hot, dense, and condensed, but still immensely in all the categories.

"Now that you've finished, Why?" Bill asked.

"Well, Bill, outside was the big bang. The beginning of matter, time, the universe, everything. Now, this tale is as old as time, a song older than rhyme. I made one of the greatest Disney movies have one less lie in it."

"Was Beauty and the Beast a real story?" Bill asked.

"Of course Beauty and the Beast is a real story, Bill. No one is creative. But instead of a witch, it's actually an alien. And yes, I know it's annoying, but people in some parts of France in the 1740's actually did burst into song. I was there once on my fourth face and accidentally introduced this wee lad with four dozen eggs to barges. The kid didn't want a jelly baby." the Doctor rambled.

"Can we go there, to Belle and such?" Bill asked.

"But, Bill, they sing. We'll have to sing to fit in. I don't want to sing Bill."

"Please?"

The Doctor exhaled in annoyance and started flying the TARDIS. "I hope you know how much I'm sacrificing for you. If Nardole was here, he could tell you how much I hate singing. My first impression on him was a sign saying 'Carol singers will be criticised'."

"Doctor, I am here. You just ignored me." Nardole said.

"Well, you wouldn't shut up about the vault."

"I'm still not going to shut up about it," Nardole said.

"Yeah, and I'm not going to stop ignoring you," the Doctor said and pulled down a lever. The TARDIS was off to France, 1740, to a poor, provincial, little town.


End file.
